This Single Lady has got it goin' on!!

Being an awesome Single Lady is an art form. Whether you are happily single or would rather be in a relationship, it is definitely possible to be a Single Lady with pizzazz! In an effort to capture that successful Single Lady essence, I recently asked an amazing single lady friend of mine to share her secrets.

 

Meet Gayle. Fabulous and funny. Despite sustaining a brain injury from being hit by a car while cycling, Gayle is a proud ferret mama and Hallowe'en costume designer extraordinaire, rode her bike across North America from coast-to-coast, became a licensed optician two years ago, and is travelling to the Dominican Republic at the end of January to provide eye clinics for local villages. This Single Lady does it right! So how does she do it? See her hilarious and poignant answers here:

Q: What are 5 things that you’ve done or are doing to embrace single life?

A:

1. I do things on my own. Travel, movies, eating out, concerts, events. I don't need a companion to enjoy an outing or a destination and I don't feel awkward doing these things by myself. Actually, some of these things can be easier - going to a busy movie last minute: easy to find a good single seat and why go with someone when you shouldn't be talking through the movie anyway? Same with concerts - VERY easy to get great last minute seats for 1 person.
2. I eat well, cook fresh food, and I don't own a microwave. I learned how to cook for 1 person, in 1 day enough food for a week of options... Brilliant.
3. I buy myself nice things... Don't wait for someone else to gift them to you.
4. I value my own time. Don't waste it. Do things, be useful, explore and don't be willing to sacrifice your plans every time for someone else.
5. I recommend you GIVE. Time, talents, money. You have the most control over these things that you have been given... So be a good steward of the gifts and ensure that you are aware that to those who much is given, much is expected.

Q: Do you ever wish things were different? I mean, do you ever wish you’d married?

A: This is a more obscure/abstract question than people think. My response is usually "I don't know, who did you have in mind?" I haven't met someone yet that I can honestly say that our lives together would be better than they were separate, so no, I didn't get married. Would my life be better if I had been born in New York City? I don't know the answer to that either. I don't know what my life would be like if I had got married. Married people really don't know what their lives would be like if they had remained single... You get my point. 

Here's my answer. I LOVE my life. It's really good. I have been blessed in many ways beyond probably what I deserve. I don't think my relationship status is the major factor the good things in my life. And it is my goal to ensure that my relationship status is never the major influence in my life.

Q: What do you do to help yourself through lonely moments?

A: There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Also, I can assure you that being married doesn't guarantee that you never feel lonely. I have a GREAT community of friends and family. I have always had very people-oriented jobs so when I feel the need to connect with other humans, I am not at a loss to find those connections. When I want to retreat and have my own space, I can do that fairly easily too. I am very aware of what I need socially and have developed my life to ensure it is there when I need it.

Q: In your opinion, what is the best thing about being single?

A: It's convenient. And it's surprising how much easier a lot of things/decisions are in life. I don't have to consult with anyone else what colour the rooms are painted, what car to buy, where to vacation, how much money to spend/save, who is going to do the dishes, when is dinner... It's the million little things that stress people out in a day.

Q: What do you think is different about couples that look out for single people and couples that only hang around with other couples? If you could educate those latter couples, what advice would you give them to have better relationships with single people?

A: I'm confused by this question... Why is it the responsibility of couples to look out for single people? Who cares if they only want to hang out with other couples? People hang around with who they are connected with - whether personality or common experience. I can see that it would be nice for newly married couples to share some of the common joys and struggles that as a single person, I really have no insight into. I don't know what it is like to live with the same person for over 25yrs... But they also don't know what it would be like to date different people for that time!

I don't really base my friendships on relationship status, but I do have a firm rule that I am NEVER friends with a married man if I am not friends with his wife. It is a REALLY good boundary and I will never break it.

Gayle's parting wisdom: Bottom line... Make life decisions on several other factors and not on your relationship status!

Clearly Gayle has got the Single Lady life down!!

If you'd like to provide a donation to Gayle's Dominican Republic team, please send it to:

Living Hope CRC

1281 Exmouth Street

Sarnia, ON N7S 1W9

Atten: Team 1 DR - Gayle Harrison

The Single's Holiday Survival Guide

The holidays can be a difficult time for anyone who is single.

There are the insensitive questions from relatives and your awkward explanations to suffer through, not to mention seeing other family members (like siblings and cousins) who have the seemingly perfect relationship and family life.

Furthermore, for many, the holidays mean skating hand-in-hand, presents, holiday traditions, and curling up by the fire with that special someone. If I didn't secretly love all that, even I would be miming puking actions right now! Let's face it, when you're with that special someone, these things can be romantic and wonderful. BUT... don't forget that:

• The holidays can be super stressful for couples too. Be thankful that as a single person, you don't have to worry about splitting time between families, breaking the bank and being stressed about finding that extra special gift for your partner, or having to deal with in-laws (only your own crazy family!). Go ahead and celebrate your single status by buying yourself that extra special gift!
• You can still have magical holiday moments even when you're single. Why not take your best friend or niece/nephew skating? Or find a volunteer opportunity? The act of giving to someone in need will give you a warmth inside that I promise will be just as good as any sub-mistletoe smooch.
• Being free during the holidays can be fabulous! More time for watching fun holiday movies (see below for ideas) or going out for a fun night with the girls (don't forget your Santa hats with that sexy outfit). Try making creative treats and gifts like super easy but very impressive homemade truffles or pumpkin spice body scrub. Use the holiday time to embrace your freedom and independence!
• You're not the only single person this holiday. Take one of your single friends on a 'date' and you'll make two people's lives happier.

Now, what about the problem of the New Year's kiss? Hmmm, this one can be a toughie. I'm not sure I can put a positive spin on not partaking in this coveted tradition while surrounded by others who didn't have to wonder who they would kiss at midnight. I would suggest you have a plan for how to handle it and also remember that by this time next year, many of those people's relationships will have crashed and burned, leaving only painful memories of kisses past. Wow... sorry to be the pessimistic sugar plum fairy tonight, but hey, anything to help celebrate the single status in a couple-focused world.

So there you go. We can and will survive the holidays with or without a partner!

For more single survival guide tips and great things about being single during the holidays, see this UK single lady's article in The Star, this hilarious Huffington Post article and this article for single Christians at Christmas time.

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The Single Girl's Guide to Christmas Movies:

• The Holiday - The character Iris is pretty much me. And like her I'm working on my gumption! Whether you're more like Iris or more like Amanda, you will appreciate the awesome positive messages just as much as the holiday romance.
• It's a Wonderful Life - Ever feel that as a single person, if you just disappeared no one would notice? Then watch this beloved classic and take a moment to reflect on all the people your life touches every day.
• Love Actually - An adorable film with an awesome soundtrack, you are sure to see yourself in one of the characters and see that no matter what, love actually, is all around. PS. Spoiler alert!! The Jamie and Aurelia proposal scene is only the romantic proposal I think I've ever seen. Makes me laugh-cry every time.

Mourning the loss of a relationship sucks... But we can get through it!

Today I was hit with with a bit of a sledgehammer. I found out that the man I loved very much who broke things off with me because he couldn't handle the commitment and wanted the freedom of being single is dating someone and perhaps has been since shortly after we broke up. Although it has been months and I've had a lot of dates and even a couple of relationships since that guy, it still hit me like a tonne of bricks. The reality is... Grieving sucks. BIG TIME.

There is no easy way to get through it. It's important to acknowledge my feelings and not try to avoid them. But I don't have to do this alone. I'm going to sit up straight, hold my chin up high and go on over to one of my bestie's, where I will happily accept love, hugs, tissues, wine and Settlers of Catan.

And slowly I will move on. I am so blessed to have loads of people who love me, a good job, lots of opportunity and faith in God's love for me. I will survive.

No, I will thrive!

Bucket List Items #1-4

A good friend and coworker pointed out to me today that I haven't posted any items on my bucket list. I am here to remedy that.

I actually have many and they're all floating around in my head. But I am pleased to report a few accomplished so far:

1. Met some people from my ball hockey team for drinks. This contributes to my goal of being social with no goal of meeting a guy, just to be myself and enjoy the company of others. I am actually really happy that this worked! I felt comfortable and at ease, no pressure to impress anyone. NEXT SOCIAL GOAL: Invite a girlfriend out for a Christmas-y drink.
2. Went rock climbing and then to the gym the next day. I didn't know that operating a stapler could hurt so much! I'm proud of myself for getting to the gym and encouraging a friend to come with me. NEXT HEALTH GOAL: Get back on track with my eating.
3. When my boss got stressed recently about a new project with a tight deadline, I didn't take it personally and I stopped her to offer my help. NEXT WORK GOAL: Continue to remove personal responsibility from my boss' moods and reactions.
4. I've been going to church every Sunday. I like my new church but there are no young people my age. That's ok. Why? Because church is not about meeting a man and friends can be any age. NEXT CHURCH GOAL: Attend Advent service at lunch tomorrow and caroling on Friday night. Make an effort to get to know someone, especially someone who may also be alone.
5. NEXT PERSONAL GOAL: Finish my music video of my travels!

Here are a few things I'd like to do before getting in another relationship:

• figure out my purpose in life, make a plan to achieve it and take steps toward it - no matter what!
• take myself out on a fancy date and to the movies
• make an effort to look good for me only and get pictures taken so that I have a record of how damn hot I can be for myself!
• learn to speak French fluently
• get my student debt paid off
• get recruited or promoted
• achieve strength and health such that I can (a) climb two 5.9 courses back-to-back, (b) run another half marathon, and (c) fit in this gorgeous one-size-too-small raspberry-coloured Banana Republic dress I bought on sale a while ago and it is sitting in my closet calling to me as inspiration!

And.... GO!

Be someone who makes you happy!

Singles in the Church

Most religions have trouble with singles.

For starters, most faiths encourage singles to remain chaste. Christians prize celibacy before marriage and Catholics take it to a whole other level with the lifetime celibacy of nuns and priests. Islam has a rather strict idea of feminine chastity (for example, there are many cases of women getting beaten or killed for acts like kissing a man who is not her husband or simply speaking with one) and in Judaism, not only is sex before marriage discouraged, but 'spilling one's seed' is prohibited too (although interestingly, I haven't found anything against female masturbation). And before you start thinking that it is only the Abrahamic religions that contain beliefs about chastity, don't forget that even Buddhist, Jain and Hindu faiths include the practice of Brahmacharya, which focuses on remaining pure and practicing a 'virtuous' way of life.

As a religious person myself, I understand that sexual desires and relationships can distract us from leading a spiritual life. But I have some concerns about the way most churches are dealing with their single populations, especially the older single folks (late twenties and on).

I recently read a fantastic article by a pastor, Christena Cleveland, called Singled Out: How Churches can Embrace Unmarried Adults. The first half of the article discusses how often singles become an afterthought. What resonated with me is that in every single church or religious ceremony that I have attended (and that is quite a few), not ONE of them has ever done a sermon about being single or an independent individual. Think about it. How many times have you heard marriage discussed? Children? Divorce? These topics are discussed for everyone even though they do not apply to everyone there. Most religious organizations get away with avoiding discussion about singleness by having 'youth' or 'young adults' groups and hoping that the singles will support themselves. But what about those of us who are not youth anymore?

So why not talk about being single with those who are not? I believe that even in a marriage we need to look at ourselves as individuals from time-to-time so that we don't lose sight of our relationship with God, the role and health of other relationships in our lives and the direction that our lives are taking. What especially baffles me is that every. single. one. of us has been single. You could even say that, along with birth and death, being single for some period of time is one of the only certainties about life! I have three suggestions:

• Bring singleness out into congregational discussion regularly.
• Realize that not all singles are teens and college-age. This church has this figured out.
• If you want to encourage marriage within the same faith, host cross-church events that allow faithful singles to meet and get to know each other, such as speed-dating and singles activities.

Photo Credit: vickybeeching.com

Reflecting on the role of religion and church in the way I feel about my singleness, I am struck by how many of my religious friends place importance on marriage and family. Open our hearts and you will see a great desire to find an amazing partner, marry and have kids. Can you blame us? When our churches place such weight on marriage and family, it's hard to feel otherwise. And it is this desire, this need, that makes us unhappy with being single, keeps us in bad relationships because we're "trying to make it work" and in general leads to an emptiness that we seek to fill with a partner rather than God or the other fantastic parts of life.

It is unsurprising, therefore, that cognitive dissonance arises for me when I think about religion, singleness, and sexuality. How, as a 28-year-old affectionate, adventurous, loving, driven, sensual and relatively intelligent woman, am I supposed to celebrate being single but at the same time seek a partner? How am I supposed to remain chaste and focused on God when there is little encouragement short of threadbare rules and dated expectations?

I don't have all the answers, but when I get frustrated, I pray hard. And I rely on my single friends and those especially wonderful people in relationships who have not forgotten that life exists outside of their relationship. Thank you to all of you who encourage and inspire me - I would not have been able to do this without you. *cue end-of-speech music*

Resources:

Her-meneutics -  How Not to Help All the Single Ladies
The Banner - Sex, Intimacy and the Single Person
Vicky Beeching - Honest Thoughts on Singleness & Church
Shea Gregory - Confessions of a Sex-Starved Single

Sometimes we all need a reminder!

Introduction

Well... Here I find myself again, SINGLE.

I have gone on a LOT of dates and had a few relationships over the last few years. I've even been engaged. But each time one of two things happens. Either my awesome self is not enough for the butthead guy I'm seeing or else I find guys that my friends believe are not deserving of a relationship with me (actually, many of them are both of these).

For those that know me well, being single is quite a feat. Why? Because I am a very nice girl. It is one of my biggest priorities in life to find a great guy and be his amazing partner and one day have a beautiful family with, like, 20 kids. Well, maybe not 20, but definitely 17. (And don't worry, I'm not one of those crazies who talks about kids in the first few dates or even months.) I love to make others happy, and most of all my partner. So why do the men I date a) have commitment fears, b) have too much baggage, c) have emotional or communication problems, and/or d) don't see the great girl they've got? Hashtag Frustrated!

As I recently contemplated the above question, I decided that being single is far easier and that I need to embrace my single life. Biblically, it is clear that being single can be good as it in some ways provides less distraction from getting closer with God (click here for more detail). Pragmatically, being single allows more time and room for self-improvement and more freedom to do what you want. As a nice girl, I think I need to work on putting my foot down. Saying what I want to say, doing what I want to do. And continuing my Project Inner Ninja.

With this in mind, I am going to use this spot to put down all the things that I want to accomplish while still being a single lady!