Singles in the Church

Most religions have trouble with singles.

For starters, most faiths encourage singles to remain chaste. Christians prize celibacy before marriage and Catholics take it to a whole other level with the lifetime celibacy of nuns and priests. Islam has a rather strict idea of feminine chastity (for example, there are many cases of women getting beaten or killed for acts like kissing a man who is not her husband or simply speaking with one) and in Judaism, not only is sex before marriage discouraged, but 'spilling one's seed' is prohibited too (although interestingly, I haven't found anything against female masturbation). And before you start thinking that it is only the Abrahamic religions that contain beliefs about chastity, don't forget that even Buddhist, Jain and Hindu faiths include the practice of Brahmacharya, which focuses on remaining pure and practicing a 'virtuous' way of life.

As a religious person myself, I understand that sexual desires and relationships can distract us from leading a spiritual life. But I have some concerns about the way most churches are dealing with their single populations, especially the older single folks (late twenties and on).

I recently read a fantastic article by a pastor, Christena Cleveland, called Singled Out: How Churches can Embrace Unmarried Adults. The first half of the article discusses how often singles become an afterthought. What resonated with me is that in every single church or religious ceremony that I have attended (and that is quite a few), not ONE of them has ever done a sermon about being single or an independent individual. Think about it. How many times have you heard marriage discussed? Children? Divorce? These topics are discussed for everyone even though they do not apply to everyone there. Most religious organizations get away with avoiding discussion about singleness by having 'youth' or 'young adults' groups and hoping that the singles will support themselves. But what about those of us who are not youth anymore?

So why not talk about being single with those who are not? I believe that even in a marriage we need to look at ourselves as individuals from time-to-time so that we don't lose sight of our relationship with God, the role and health of other relationships in our lives and the direction that our lives are taking. What especially baffles me is that every. single. one. of us has been single. You could even say that, along with birth and death, being single for some period of time is one of the only certainties about life! I have three suggestions:

• Bring singleness out into congregational discussion regularly.
• Realize that not all singles are teens and college-age. This church has this figured out.
• If you want to encourage marriage within the same faith, host cross-church events that allow faithful singles to meet and get to know each other, such as speed-dating and singles activities.

Photo Credit: vickybeeching.com

Reflecting on the role of religion and church in the way I feel about my singleness, I am struck by how many of my religious friends place importance on marriage and family. Open our hearts and you will see a great desire to find an amazing partner, marry and have kids. Can you blame us? When our churches place such weight on marriage and family, it's hard to feel otherwise. And it is this desire, this need, that makes us unhappy with being single, keeps us in bad relationships because we're "trying to make it work" and in general leads to an emptiness that we seek to fill with a partner rather than God or the other fantastic parts of life.

It is unsurprising, therefore, that cognitive dissonance arises for me when I think about religion, singleness, and sexuality. How, as a 28-year-old affectionate, adventurous, loving, driven, sensual and relatively intelligent woman, am I supposed to celebrate being single but at the same time seek a partner? How am I supposed to remain chaste and focused on God when there is little encouragement short of threadbare rules and dated expectations?

I don't have all the answers, but when I get frustrated, I pray hard. And I rely on my single friends and those especially wonderful people in relationships who have not forgotten that life exists outside of their relationship. Thank you to all of you who encourage and inspire me - I would not have been able to do this without you. *cue end-of-speech music*

Resources:

Her-meneutics -  How Not to Help All the Single Ladies
The Banner - Sex, Intimacy and the Single Person
Vicky Beeching - Honest Thoughts on Singleness & Church
Shea Gregory - Confessions of a Sex-Starved Single